To Be or Not to Be

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Press on….

on May 25, 2014

The work week has come to an end, but the beginning of the weekend is here. Funny how the end of the work week is not called the week-end. That random thought just came to me as I press on these keyboard keys. It has been a week of many interesting lessons, lessons in love, understanding and pressing on. On April 1st, 2014 just a month ago, I was presented with news of mixed emotions. Mixed? you say, why one would think that this type of news would bring sadness, despair and confusion. My first thought was of course sadness and despair, there may have even been a bit of confusion, heck maybe even a hint of doubt. The whole scene turned into one to write about.

I will start this story with a planned eventful day with both of my parents who are not that old, but given life’s moments have succumbed to many ailments that plague them. I love them dearly and sometimes wonder how it is that they ever came together, but then I realize it is not for me to question. We start our journey early in the day and not far into it, my father and I get into disagreement, at first it seemed harmless but turned into feats of ego. Quickly I backed down in my insistence to be right, my fleshly self wanted to triumph, and then my spirit said “Let It BE”.

We went about our day, getting the van maintained and a little shopping mixed with doing our taxes for the year. We were enjoying ourselves as much as was possible, I say that in the truest form. It isn’t always easy to be a positive force in this world. Trying to live life that way, on purpose is exactly where I want to be. I don’t profess to know anything about everything or even everything about anything, because when it comes right down to it, we are humans trying to live a superhuman life.

That’s right superhuman life, what does that mean? Well to me and this given by “thee” is probably the understanding and knowledge of being in relationship and fellowship to find the love, kindness and peace within each of our hearts. To be filled with happiness, grace and well-being to want to help those, because we know that in turn we are helping ourselves. To know that we are not only of ourselves that we belong to a greater purpose, an abundant life of harmony. Peace and harmony within and out, to share that part of you that makes up them and how we are connected on levels many of us have no idea about. Wow that was a thoughtful, and it came from above.

On to the story at hand, we enjoyed our lunch and again I was tempted to say what I thought. Again I tugged at my heart and said in my mind, I will not. Yet another opportunity presented itself and my loose mouth got louder and louder, how quickly we can forget. I guess I thought my ideas, problems, dilemmas, controversies were more important at the time and ego took the driver seat again. I was really not in a good place and could feel the angst. So again I had to check outta this place and get back into that awesome loving, kind caring place. The ride home was quiet.

As we crossed the bridge to our little town, there are still a few more stops to make. Pick up some medication and the grocery store again. While in the grocery store, I noticed my uncle in line. I smiled and hurried up to that line and as we talked he decided it was time, time to tell me sorrowful news. Not prepared for that at all, told that the our spiritual elder has left for the spirit world. Your world is shook up like wow that just happened and did I hear right. This must be a dream one of the twilight zone, nope here we are in the thick of reality called life. My uncle had left the store and I tried to hold back the tears but given my nature I couldn’t hold back. All the cashiers were great in lending a hand in helping me with the latest news of the day. I was stunned and couldn’t imagine any more stress for the day, I just wanted to get home to have a good big cry.

I quickly left the store and thanked all the ladies for their help. As I got into the van and took a moment to relate, I started to cry and told my parents the news. Disbelief and discomfort for sure was in the air, How could this be? My father wouldn’t let me drive until I stopped crying. Wiping the tears I started to drive and to tell them the details I knew of his death.

This day has been trying and I wondered why but thought it best not to question. Trying to hide my feelings has not been a strong quality of mine, so I told my partner the news and then the children. Now is the time to cry and so I did. There is a knock at the door and it’s my sister, she’s come to bring more news. Oh how much more can a person take. Just as quickly as she has come in she leaves and says “I’ll be right back”. She looks at us like, I’ve seen that look before and it’s not good is it look.

I proceed to tell her the news of our spiritual elder dying and we shed some tears and wonder how will we ever manage. The discussion around that news was heartfelt and hopeful, but short. She says that she heard the news next door at our brother’s house where my parents were visiting and said she wasn’t sure if she should come over and share her news. My heart to pound a bit and my eyes got bigger as I braced myself for yet another blow. A blow you say, how did I know? Just by my sister’s demeanor and long face of despair. She blurts it out, and for reasons our niece is a minor, her name will be changed in this case. Sara is pregnant!,and as fast as she is telling me all of the details we are crying at the same time. Hugging and crying and wondering why and what now. I for one thought it a blessing and still do today, but others in our family have different views. That’s all well and good but how do you know.

She proceeded to tell me details of how our niece contacted her and not our sister her mother to accompany her and her boyfriend to the hospital to take a test, the test. That test proved a positive for new life to begin, however given our niece’s young age of 15 going on 16,they were given information for an “options” clinic, which I know well enough what that means. Wow what a day to roller coast through life. Both of us hugging,crying and my heart racing like never before as she tells me more. She has not told our sister and wonders if she should as our niece doesn’t want anything to do with her mom. What a mess and a half all of which is it up to us to solve? I think not, only a heart can take so much then it has to give. My sister felt like there was no one who would understand the twist she was in and how to overcome this twist of fate, yes that just what this is a twist of fate. Decisions,decisions,decisions to make each one has its consequences whatever our niece decides.

I try to console my sister, to tell her she did the right thing and all that news is a hard burden to bear. Also if she didn’t want to bear this alone, Sara or herself will have to tell our sister the truth. She has a right to know that her daughter has produced life! I guess I”m having a bit of a time with that decision our niece has come to…to terminate that which has no rights.Is this another test to the human condition from that of above to see if we are indeed worthy of his love, unconditional love. To press on, no matter what and continue in faith,belief and to love HIM,trust in that belief that all will work out as planned. How impatient we can be to wait and see, and when we think that we know what we know, we are presented with a whole new twist into the plan of the story. Who are we to say what will be, we have no idea of what will be tomorrow or even 5 hours from now. Each moment is a moment of grace to continue on in the faith that someone other than ourselves matter, our little woes and whims don’t matter to the bigger scheme of things.

This day taught me that everyday is a blessing a blessing of life and that each day is a session of learning. Learning to be the best possible self.

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